Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Dear Britney

I guess you've all heard the big news......Brit Brit's big X Factor premiere is tonight.  I'm pumped.  I'm really, really hoping she's not going to be weird.  She looks great as Exhibit A and B shows:

She looks nervous

Definitely more like herself here

I worry about Brit-Brit-, I cannot lie.  I always feel like she's on the verge of a major breakdown.  It's obvious girlfriend is on medication.  And you know, if that works good for her!  Yesterday her and Simon Colwell appeared on Ellen, and although she looked beautiful, she looked like she might be a tad constipated.  (Girl, we know you stopped at In-N-Out and got you some french fries on the way!)  Check it out:

See what I'm talking about? I really do think that if I were her personal assistant, she wouldn't act that way. The following is basically how it would go down:

"Britney, I've loved you since the 2000 VMA's when you became a stripper.  I knew at that point we would have a lasting relationship.  I especially loved the MTV episode of "Diary" when you and JT loved it up for the cameras.  I still cannot believe you cheated on JT with Wade Robson.....what was that?? Anyway, you really took it to a new low when you married KFed and premiered Chaotic.  I stuck by you when you shaved your head, and went cray cray on the paparazzi (although they totally deserved it).  I was even your biggest supporter when you were riding around in Paris Hilton's Mercedes Benz not wearing underwear (probably not your best move).  There have been a number of things that have gone down, and yet I've always supported you no matter what.  So from this point on, this is the plan: you're going to learn to dance again (Hello?! I'm a slaaavvve for you), you're going to stop being weird during interviews, and you need to just go ahead and break off that engagement with Jason Trawho?, and reunite with JT (let's just admit that we all know JT does not want to marry Jessica Biel).  That's the plan, you feel me?"

So with all of this in mind, I will be watching the X Factor tonight, glass of wine in hand, rooting for my girl.  Come on, Britney!  We believe in you!!