Saturday, December 31, 2011

Reflections

I didn't think I was going to post today since I wished you guys a happy new year yesterday.  But, I decided against that.  There was one thing I didn't include in yesterdays post that needs to be said before the year ends.

Through my darkest moments at the end of this year, one thing has remained steady.  That's the love of my husband.  He's been strong when I've been weak.  He's held my hand and cried with me.  He's even literally held me when I felt that I couldn't carry myself.  He's made me crack up laughing when I felt that I was going to fall apart, and he's shown so much patience for me when I was either crying my eyes out or directing all of my anger and hurt at him, when it had nothing to do with him.  Yes, he is strong enough to be my man and I am so blessed for him every day!

I didn't know why, but this song hit a nerve the first time I heard it in October.  I so didn't realize that it would ultimately put a smile on my face each time I heard it, even through the crappiest of times.  I even added it to my sister and her husbands wedding video for God sakes!  For awhile, it seemed like every time I got in the car this song was playing on the radio, and it definitely felt like this was my jam. ;)  So, when Coldplay covered a version of this song I of course, fell in love with it immediately.

I have realized this song can be applied to my relationship with my sweet husband.  I guess it's because "we found love in a hopeless place."






Here's to 2012, friends. :)  Cheers!

~LL

Friday, December 30, 2011

NYE Eve

It's the weekend, y'all.

Adam and have no plans for NYE and I am just fine with that.  It's funny how NYE was such a big deal when I was in high school/college.  So much time and effort spent on finding the "perfect outfit" and then deciding who you were going to smooch at midnight (wink, wink). ;)  I was chatting with my sister on the phone yesterday and we decided the best nights are the ones that aren't planned.  NYE always feels so planned to me.  Maybe tomorrow night holds a few surprises, or maybe it just holds a good bottle of wine and some yummy food.  The latter sounds fine to me.

I think Adam and I are going to see "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" tonight.  Thoughts?  I haven't read the book yet, but I heard it was awesome.  The movie kind've looks scary to me.  Is that crazy?

Took Aaron to the ENT doctor today.  Angel baby's getting tubes put in his precious ears on January 26th.  I'm not happy about him going under anesthesia, but I am looking forward to no more ear infections.  I honestly think if you told me he would be getting tubes 2 months ago I would be hyperventilating right now.  Not so much anymore.  At this point in my life, I can't sweat the small stuff.  And again to be honest, after the hell we just went through (and are still getting over), nothing seems like a big deal anymore.  I've learned you've got to look for blessings in everything.

I got a Garmin today- whoop whoop.  I know I'm so behind on the GPS craze, but I'm pretty pumped.  I'm one of those people that gets lost every where I go, so it's past time for sure.  FYI: Walmart has Garmin's and TomTom's on sale for $100 right now!

If I don't post tomorrow, y'all have a great NYE and stay safe!  And if you want to pick out that "perfect outfit" and smooch that cute stud (or cute hubby) go right ahead and do it- I'll be doing the same. ;)

~LL

Thursday, December 29, 2011

My sister, The Bride

Before I conclude my writing for the evening, I wanted to do a special blog dedication to my baby sister.  She is nothing short of remarkable, and the way she has loved and taken care of me over the past month seriously blows my mind.  I love her so much, and I am so lucky we share the same mama. ;)  So here's to you, Meme- I love ya!


Although, most of the end of this year has (to be frank) horribly sucked, some of it has been wonderful.  The wonderful part?  My sister, Meg, got married to her high-school sweetheart, Dillon.  Here they are in my favorite picture of the night:

Image courtesy of the fabulous Graceology Photography


 Megan has loved Dillon forever.  And when I say forever, I mean forever.  They met when she was a freshman in high school, and from the way she tells the story she fell for him immediately.  Not that I can blame her, he's definitely quite the stud. ;)  As luck would have it, they dated off and on for a year, and were pretty serious.....until they weren't.  They broke up, as most high school relationships never lasted that long and moved on.  Time passed, and as fate would have it, they reconnected in early 2008.  To be honest, I didn't really know how to feel about Dillon when they got back together.  Meg had just ended a long-term relationship with a great guy, and I thought Dillon was too much too soon.  Boy was I wrong.  Meg knew he was the one from the beginning....I just had to catch up!

Dillon is an amazing man.  He's handsome, smart, funny, driven, ambitious, and just in general, a good guy.  He loves my sister so much, and that's just one of the reasons why I love him.  He's a keeper and he's a cowboy.  A good mix. :)

They got married on Saturday, November 12th at Glendalough Manor in Tyrone, Georgia.  The day was absolutely beautiful and the weather was perfect.  I won't go into all the details, but I will say that their sweet, perfect love was felt by every one.  He's always been hers, and she's always been his.  That's what love is all about.

As maid of honor (okay, I was matron of honor but I hate that word!), my job was to be the Bride's best friend, sounding board, confidant, partner-in-crime, but just most of all, her sister.  When Adam and I got married, Meg made this amazing video for Adam and I.  It was basically pictures of our life until we met.  I still watch that video to this day and bawl my eyes out because it's so special to me.  So, in turn, I made her and Dillon a wedding video that I got to play for them at their rehearsal dinner.  If you're interested in viewing, here it is: (Warning: It's almost 15 minutes long.)

Hope you enjoy.

video




Feels like I'm blazin'

Ever since I wrote my last blog entry I've been in a serious funk.  Like, "can't get out of this mood" funk.  Of course, with what we just went through the sadness and mood swings are to be expected, so I'm just trying to go with the flow and take it day by day.  I've decided that this blog is going to be part of my personal therapy AKA I will be writing daily.  That's a promise!  I've talked with several people that believe writing how you feel is a great way to start the healing process.  Well, it just so happens this girl has a blog that's been seriously neglected in hmmmmm, 4 months??  So there ya go.  I know I've made plenty of promises in the past about "coming back" and I write for maybe 3-4 days straight then disappear again.  Not anymore.  You see, I'm not just writing to entertain my loyal readers (even though I hope you fabulous people stay and go through this journey with me), I'm writing for my sanity.  I can't promise that I'll always make you laugh, or that you won't cry, but I do promise this: I will continue to be me- always.  You're getting the real deal.  One hundred percent, Laughing Lolly, or...just Hayley.   

So, in honor of this new chapter in my life I'm ending this entry with a lil' Nicki Minaj.  Because even on the days where I have wanted to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head, girlfriend kept me going.  Here goes:



Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Dear Luke

Wow.  I don't even know where to begin.  I honestly don't even know the last time I blogged because I haven't even bothered to look.  To say that the last half of this year has been hard is an understatement, so I guess I'll just start at the beginning.

There have been quite a few changes in my life since I last blogged.  My Aaron Mo is now 21 months (and getting bigger every day), and we have officially settled into our life in Griffin for the time being.  I started going back to school in late August for nursing, and I love it.  It's amazing how much better you are as a student at 29 versus 19.  As of right now, I have a 4.0 GPA and straight A's.  Who would've thunk?!?

My hubby is just as busy as ever with work, but we feel so blessed for his incredible job in a not-so-incredible economy.  He even got a 9.8% raise (what what!).  I couldn't be prouder of him for his ambition and his eagerness to bust his behind to take care of his family.

We also found out a bit of unexpected news in mid-August.  I was pregnant.  It was such a shock; we were very happy, just surprised because it was not planned.  Upon finding out, I went from feeling like a normal person to feeling like someone who could not awake from a coma.  I was nauseous, sick, dry-heaving constantly, and just in general trying to make it day to day.  Of course, chasing after a toddler contributed to the tiredness, but I still felt so blessed.  God had given us another beautiful, perfect child.  Who was I to complain?

Although I was without a doubt pregnant, I could never shake the feeling that something was wrong.  I lost 17 pounds within 10 weeks.  You couldn't even tell I was pregnant until I was at least in the mid-point of my second trimester, and you could barely tell then.  It was such a completely different pregnancy than my pregnancy with Aaron, but I knew all pregnancies were different.  This one was just very different.

On Monday, November 21st at my 18-week appointment Adam and I found out that we were having another beautiful baby boy.  We were overjoyed.  Although I had been absolutely convinced that it was a girl, I didn't care in the least.  God had given me another boy to love forever.  How lucky was I?  After seeing our boy on the ultrasound screen we were taken back to a room to wait for my doctor to discuss everything.  That was when I was told my son had a heart defect.

On Thursday, December 1st my mother and I drove back down to Macon to meet with a Perinatal Specialist.  We were referred to him by my regular OB the week before.  My doctor had been very aloof and nonchalant about the heart condition, only saying that it was "a spot that concerned them."  Now I know why he acted the way he did; he knew what horrible condition my baby's heart was in.  We were informed that day that my son had a serious heart defect known as Left Hypoplastic Heart syndrome.  That was the day that I went to Hell in a matter of 30 minutes.

I won't go into all of the specifics of this disorder, because frankly, everything is still so raw and I'm just not ready.  I will say that Adam and I talked to four different doctors (my OB, the Perinatal Specialist, and two Pediatric Cardiologists) who confirmed that my son, if he survived in utero, would have a very bleak future because of this serious heart defect.  If he had survived the pregnancy, he would immediately have had to undergo major open heart surgery for survival.  With this type of condition he wouldn't be able to survive without a series of surgeries, or a heart transplant.  And even if he had these surgeries/transplants, it still didn't guarantee a long, normal life for our son.  His precious life would consist of surgery after surgery, daily medications, probable seizures, strokes, and a never-ending concern if this was going to be the last day of his life.  There was no evidence at this point that my boy would make it past the age of 20. To say that Adam and I felt despair and sadness is an understatement.  Our lives will never be the same.  How could our beautiful, perfect son be so sick?  What did we do?  Why were we put in this horrible situation??

On Tuesday, December 13th God took our son to Heaven.  As I sit here typing this I have tears pouring down my face.  Yes, we are heartbroken in every way possible.  Yes, our lives are changed forever.  But, thank God He took our son to be with him.  Thank God my child is up in Heaven with a full, functioning heart and is healthy in every way possible.  The way we look at it is, Luke (that's his name) was too perfect to come to Earth, so he went straight to Heaven.  I feel him with me every moment of every day.  I tell him I love him at least once every hour.  He's probably so sick of hearing from me! ;)

My faith in God has never been stronger.  I know there's a reason, and I may never know why, but I do know this: God's plan is perfect.  I have been so incredibly blessed to already have been given a beautiful, healthy child in my Aaron Mo- he makes my heart smile every second of every day.  I've been blessed with a husband who loves me unconditionally; I have family and friends that are the most loving, compassionate, beautiful people I've ever encountered.  Yes, I am a lucky girl, yes, I am so blessed, and yes, I will thank God for this life he has given me every single day.

So in turn, I have decided to use my blog today to write a letter to our son.  Here goes....

Dear Luke,

You first need to know that you are beautifully and perfectly made.  God created you and He makes no mistakes.

You went to your eternal home on Tuesday, December 13th.  It was both a sad and happy day for me.  I am sad because I won't get to see and kiss your face, touch your hands, fingers, and toes.  You probably have a head full of hair like your big brother, and I won't get the pleasure of taking you for your first haircut at 3 months.  I know you have the cutest pug nose, and those lips I'm sure are so smoochable! :) I am sad because I won't get to change your first diaper, or see your first smile, hear your first laugh, watch you ride a bike, graduate kindergarten and eventually college, fall in love, marry a beautiful girl, have your own children, and watch you become the beautiful and amazing man you already are.

I am sad for those reasons, but most of all I am happy.  I'm happy that God took you to live with him, so you wouldn't have to come into this world and struggle.  I'm happy that you're healthy, and that most of all, that you're happy.  I can see you now: sitting in my Great-Grandmother's lap while she scratches your back with her long, beautiful nails; I can see you laughing at my Great-Uncle Sammy while he sings, dances, and plays the piano for you.  I can see you eating tons of yummy food that my Great-Grandmother Todd is cooking for you, and I can see you learning how to jet ski from my Great-Grandfather Todd who literally taught everyone in our family how to jet ski until he was in his seventies- no kidding!

But most of all, I can see you standing at the gates of Heaven waiting for me.  I can see your beautiful face smiling at me, and that is what makes me happiest of all.  I cannot wait to kiss and hug you, and tell you how much your mommy loves you.

Until then my beautiful boy, I will be the best I can be.  I will be the best mommy to Aaron; the best wife to your Daddy; the best daughter, granddaughter, sister, cousin, daughter-in-law, friend, etc. that I can be.  Most of all, I will be the best servant to God that I can be, because in the end that's all that matters.

I love you, son.  You, my angel, are perfect in every way.

Love,
Mommy