Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Dear Luke

Wow.  I don't even know where to begin.  I honestly don't even know the last time I blogged because I haven't even bothered to look.  To say that the last half of this year has been hard is an understatement, so I guess I'll just start at the beginning.

There have been quite a few changes in my life since I last blogged.  My Aaron Mo is now 21 months (and getting bigger every day), and we have officially settled into our life in Griffin for the time being.  I started going back to school in late August for nursing, and I love it.  It's amazing how much better you are as a student at 29 versus 19.  As of right now, I have a 4.0 GPA and straight A's.  Who would've thunk?!?

My hubby is just as busy as ever with work, but we feel so blessed for his incredible job in a not-so-incredible economy.  He even got a 9.8% raise (what what!).  I couldn't be prouder of him for his ambition and his eagerness to bust his behind to take care of his family.

We also found out a bit of unexpected news in mid-August.  I was pregnant.  It was such a shock; we were very happy, just surprised because it was not planned.  Upon finding out, I went from feeling like a normal person to feeling like someone who could not awake from a coma.  I was nauseous, sick, dry-heaving constantly, and just in general trying to make it day to day.  Of course, chasing after a toddler contributed to the tiredness, but I still felt so blessed.  God had given us another beautiful, perfect child.  Who was I to complain?

Although I was without a doubt pregnant, I could never shake the feeling that something was wrong.  I lost 17 pounds within 10 weeks.  You couldn't even tell I was pregnant until I was at least in the mid-point of my second trimester, and you could barely tell then.  It was such a completely different pregnancy than my pregnancy with Aaron, but I knew all pregnancies were different.  This one was just very different.

On Monday, November 21st at my 18-week appointment Adam and I found out that we were having another beautiful baby boy.  We were overjoyed.  Although I had been absolutely convinced that it was a girl, I didn't care in the least.  God had given me another boy to love forever.  How lucky was I?  After seeing our boy on the ultrasound screen we were taken back to a room to wait for my doctor to discuss everything.  That was when I was told my son had a heart defect.

On Thursday, December 1st my mother and I drove back down to Macon to meet with a Perinatal Specialist.  We were referred to him by my regular OB the week before.  My doctor had been very aloof and nonchalant about the heart condition, only saying that it was "a spot that concerned them."  Now I know why he acted the way he did; he knew what horrible condition my baby's heart was in.  We were informed that day that my son had a serious heart defect known as Left Hypoplastic Heart syndrome.  That was the day that I went to Hell in a matter of 30 minutes.

I won't go into all of the specifics of this disorder, because frankly, everything is still so raw and I'm just not ready.  I will say that Adam and I talked to four different doctors (my OB, the Perinatal Specialist, and two Pediatric Cardiologists) who confirmed that my son, if he survived in utero, would have a very bleak future because of this serious heart defect.  If he had survived the pregnancy, he would immediately have had to undergo major open heart surgery for survival.  With this type of condition he wouldn't be able to survive without a series of surgeries, or a heart transplant.  And even if he had these surgeries/transplants, it still didn't guarantee a long, normal life for our son.  His precious life would consist of surgery after surgery, daily medications, probable seizures, strokes, and a never-ending concern if this was going to be the last day of his life.  There was no evidence at this point that my boy would make it past the age of 20. To say that Adam and I felt despair and sadness is an understatement.  Our lives will never be the same.  How could our beautiful, perfect son be so sick?  What did we do?  Why were we put in this horrible situation??

On Tuesday, December 13th God took our son to Heaven.  As I sit here typing this I have tears pouring down my face.  Yes, we are heartbroken in every way possible.  Yes, our lives are changed forever.  But, thank God He took our son to be with him.  Thank God my child is up in Heaven with a full, functioning heart and is healthy in every way possible.  The way we look at it is, Luke (that's his name) was too perfect to come to Earth, so he went straight to Heaven.  I feel him with me every moment of every day.  I tell him I love him at least once every hour.  He's probably so sick of hearing from me! ;)

My faith in God has never been stronger.  I know there's a reason, and I may never know why, but I do know this: God's plan is perfect.  I have been so incredibly blessed to already have been given a beautiful, healthy child in my Aaron Mo- he makes my heart smile every second of every day.  I've been blessed with a husband who loves me unconditionally; I have family and friends that are the most loving, compassionate, beautiful people I've ever encountered.  Yes, I am a lucky girl, yes, I am so blessed, and yes, I will thank God for this life he has given me every single day.

So in turn, I have decided to use my blog today to write a letter to our son.  Here goes....

Dear Luke,

You first need to know that you are beautifully and perfectly made.  God created you and He makes no mistakes.

You went to your eternal home on Tuesday, December 13th.  It was both a sad and happy day for me.  I am sad because I won't get to see and kiss your face, touch your hands, fingers, and toes.  You probably have a head full of hair like your big brother, and I won't get the pleasure of taking you for your first haircut at 3 months.  I know you have the cutest pug nose, and those lips I'm sure are so smoochable! :) I am sad because I won't get to change your first diaper, or see your first smile, hear your first laugh, watch you ride a bike, graduate kindergarten and eventually college, fall in love, marry a beautiful girl, have your own children, and watch you become the beautiful and amazing man you already are.

I am sad for those reasons, but most of all I am happy.  I'm happy that God took you to live with him, so you wouldn't have to come into this world and struggle.  I'm happy that you're healthy, and that most of all, that you're happy.  I can see you now: sitting in my Great-Grandmother's lap while she scratches your back with her long, beautiful nails; I can see you laughing at my Great-Uncle Sammy while he sings, dances, and plays the piano for you.  I can see you eating tons of yummy food that my Great-Grandmother Todd is cooking for you, and I can see you learning how to jet ski from my Great-Grandfather Todd who literally taught everyone in our family how to jet ski until he was in his seventies- no kidding!

But most of all, I can see you standing at the gates of Heaven waiting for me.  I can see your beautiful face smiling at me, and that is what makes me happiest of all.  I cannot wait to kiss and hug you, and tell you how much your mommy loves you.

Until then my beautiful boy, I will be the best I can be.  I will be the best mommy to Aaron; the best wife to your Daddy; the best daughter, granddaughter, sister, cousin, daughter-in-law, friend, etc. that I can be.  Most of all, I will be the best servant to God that I can be, because in the end that's all that matters.

I love you, son.  You, my angel, are perfect in every way.