Wednesday, January 4, 2012

One down, one to go

I went to see my doc for my "post-partum" check-up today.  I'm not gonna was rough.  Before I go into it, I have to say that I have the best doc in the world.  I discovered him through a friend when I made the move to Macon in 2006, and I'm so glad I did- he's fabulous.  His kindness, compassion, and support to me and Adam over the past month has literally blown my mind. 

I knew this appointment was going to be tough, so in order to make myself feel better I got gussied up and my hairr did (I got bangs- rut-roh, and lots of layers- pics tomorrow).  As soon as I was put into a room to meet with my doc, his nurse gave me a huge hug and apologized for what I had to go through over the past month.  Tear.  More like tears....I lost it- right in front of her.  She handed me a box of Kleenex and walked out.  Yep, this appointment was definitely going to lead to the ugly cry AKA buck-tooth, wailing out loud, can't catch your breath cry (we've all been there).  Greeeaaaatttt......

I won't go into all of the details because they would just bore you to death, but my doc and I discussed everything from birth control to getting pregnant again.  Adam and I have made the decision to wait awhile before trying for another child.  Honestly, it's more my choice than Adam's.  If it were up to him, we'd be pregnant again by this summer.  Me, not so much.  I need time to heal, not just physically but mentally.  We cannot go through what we just went through again, it's just not going to happen.  Before I get pregnant again, I want to be in the best shape of my life.  I want to spend the extra money to eat organically, and I want to be taking my prenatal vitamins months in advance before we even start trying.  Do I know if any of these things affected my baby's heart?  No, not for sure.  Is this disease something random that can happen to anyone?  Yes and no.  I say yes because there's no history of heart disease/defects in both mine and Adam's families.  Every doctor I met with over the past two months told me there was nothing that I did to cause this to happen; to not blame myself.  Of course, I believe an extent.  I think there will almost always be a part of me that wonders if I had done this or that, would it have saved my baby boy?  I guess I'll never know....

I did find out two pieces of good news today, though.  One, my genetic screening revealed that I had no abnormal chromosomes/genes; basically everything was normal.  Two, my doctor feels that although there is a slight risk that our next baby could have a heart defect since Luke had one, the chances are very slim, like 5-6% slim.  In other words, our next baby could very well have a normal, full-functioning heart.  That was music to my ears. :)  Adam and I were talking the other night, and like it is often these days, the topic of getting pregnant again was brought up.  Adam made the comment that he felt that he wouldn't be able to be happy about the pregnancy until the mid-term mark hit, and we could find out if our baby was okay and growing as he/she needed to.  I don't know what came over me (well, actually I do; it was most definitely God), but I told Adam that there was no doubt in my mind that our next child would be healthy.  I just know in my heart that if there is another child in our future, God-willing, he or she will have a perfect heart.  

I dreaded this appointment today.  Although I am so glad that it's over with, I also feel better.  There's a plan in motion and I feel it.

Tomorrow is Aaron's precautionary echo-cardiogram.  I cannot emphasize precautionary any more.  I guess it makes me feel better to say that word.  Although 95% of me feels that everything is just fine, that 5% scares me to death.  I just want it over with and I want good news.  I'm a nervous wreck.  "I can do this," REPEAT, "I can do this....."

I'll let y'all know how tomorrow goes.....