Tuesday, December 18, 2012

What the future holds

While Aaron was at preschool today, I ran up to New York & Company because they were having a sale and I had a coupon (last minute Christmas shopping).  As I was waiting in line to pay, I noticed there was a picture of a young boy, maybe 5 years old, printed and hanging behind the checkout counter.  The caption below the picture said "Our hearts are with YOU, Slade."  Once I reached the counter, I asked the saleswoman about the boy.  She informed me that he was the nephew of their manager and had a childhood cancer that they found out about the day after Thanksgiving.  He is now at St. Jude.  I finished making my purchase, told her I'd be praying for this child, and walked out the door.

After running my errands and picking Aaron up from preschool, I got home and I was in the worst mood.  It didn't matter that today is a beautiful day, or my hubby's home until January, or even the fact that I had swung by Bath and Body Works after my NY&C trip to pick up a gift for Aaron's preschool teachers and it was a hit.....I was upset.  After fixing Aaron's lunch I went in the computer room where Adam has set up shop to work from home and lost it.

I just don't understand.  I don't understand why 20 beautiful, innocent children are gone because of a very, very sick person.  I don't understand why it seems that every day whether on Facebook, Twitter, or the news outlets, someone is reporting of a child that is fighting cancer, a brain tumor, or etc.  I don't understand why a precious little boy named Tripp Halstead was involved in a freak accident that has left him fighting for his life in a hospital.  He's two.  Why?  Why do these things happen to these babies?  I don't understand.

You see, I'm scared to death.  I'm always scared that one of these scenarios are going to affect our family one day.  I'm scared that Aaron's going to be taken from us in an unexpected way.  I'm sure I'm not the only mom that feels this way.  It's hard not to ask yourself "what if" when all of these occurrences are reported by the media on a daily basis.  I pray.  I pray so hard every day.  I pray that God let's Aaron hold his great-grandchildren one day.  I pray that Aaron lives a long, healthy life.  I pray that Aaron falls in love and gets married.  And I of course pray that he becomes a Doctor, the President, a Scientist- someone that helps change the world in a miraculous way.  I pray for Aaron as soon as I open my eyes, and I pray again as soon as I close them.  I pray all day long.  I'm scared.  This world terrifies me.  As much as we want another child, I'm scared for that, too.  Of course, we all worry about our children, but I feel like I've taken worrying to a whole other level, especially since we lost our Luke in such an unexpected way this time last year.

So I broke down today.  I never let myself break down; I usually push my feelings to the side and carry on.  But today there was no holding back.  I needed to vent, and I needed my husband. 
Although he made no promises or predictions for our future, what he said did make me feel better.  Basically, there are no promises for our future.  Worrying is wasteful energy.  We can worry ourselves to death and nothing horrible happens.  OR, we can worry ourselves to death, something does indeed happen, and you feel that much worse.  We are not in control....obviously.  All we can do is our best, pray, and trust that God knows what He's doing.  That was it.  My sweet, wonderful husband.  Thank God for him.  Who knew that such simple thinking can make all of these enormous worries float away?  I know God knew what he was doing when he put this man in my life.  And I'm thankful for that every day.  

I know people have always questioned God, especially in light of the horrific event that took place last Friday.  I'm not going to lie, I've questioned God myself.  But believing in God is not about believing that no bad things are going to happen; it's about having faith.  Without God I wouldn't have my husband or my beautiful child.  I wouldn't have my amazing family, or fabulous friends.  I wouldn't have a roof over my head, food to eat, a car to drive.  Heck, without God I wouldn't have my Sophie May!  So every day I'm going to focus on the fact that God is in control.  I don't know what tomorrow holds, so I'm going to try my best to live in the moment.  And I'm going to thank God every day for my blessings.

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4: 6-7