Saturday, October 26, 2013

Hello, 4 weeks!

Well, it's official- I've had a new baby for four weeks now. My little princess will be a month old tomorrow! We've survived the first 29 days. I'm just so glad she's here; I just stare at her all day soaking her in. I'm madly in love- so is Adam. We love her dark, black hair and sweet, nubby nose. I smooch her little lips all the time....I can't help it. She's so alert (when she's not sleeping) and she's mesmerized by her big brother. Sweetness. She completes our little family perfectly. I think about Luke all the time, and I know he had a hand in sending her to us. It still breaks my heart into pieces when I think about him. I know he would have loved being a little brother to Aaron and big brother to Harper, but instead he's their guardian angel. One day I'll tell Aaron and Harper about their brother when they can understand. In the meantime, I know he'll be with all of us every step of the way. <3

While this past month has been completely wonderful, it's also been very hard. I threw in the breastfeeding towel yesterday. It wasn't without a lot of tears, I will say. Breastfeeding is THE hardest thing I've ever done,. I was constantly in a panic; "Is the latch correct? Is she getting enough? Is she crying because she's hungry or she wants to be held?" The constant insecurity was too much to deal with; time supposed to be spent enjoying her, I was crying my makeup off to Adam, my mom, or Natalie about breastfeeding. Y'all, I was doing it all: nursing, pumping, supplementing with both breastmilk and formula. It was effin' exhausting. I've read so many articles on Kellymom I can practically quote them in my sleep. I've taken Fenugreek, drank Mother's Milk tea and dark beer, etc. Hell, I even dropped thirty-five bucks on Tia and Tamera's cash cow, Milky (hope Adam doesn't read this). None of it worked for me in increasing my supply. I gave it my all. I finally gave her a full 3 ounce bottle of formula yesterday and she sucked it dry- there's my sign. I'm sure I was probably doing something wrong, but having my boob out all day was just not working for me. I have a husband that works out of town, and a 3 1/2 year old. I've got shit to do. I prayed about my decision, and haven't cried in 2 days- that's a record considering I've spent 27 of those 29 days sobbing and stressed about breastmilk. Harper nursed and had her last breastmilk bottle yesterday; I made it 4 weeks- that's twice as long as I made it with Aaron. I'm proud of what I was able to give her. I'm happier; therefore, she's happier. Please only words of support- this was not an easy pill to swallow, but I am at peace about my decision. I will say, all mothers rock- breastfeeding or not breastfeeding, natural birth or caesarean, epidural or no medication- being a mom is the hardest job on the planet. Let's support each other!

Here's a glimpse of the past week:

First post-preg date night!


Spidey! (with his eyes closed) 😳

First attempt at Moby wrap: not successful.

Enjoy this beautiful fall weekend!